Wednesdays with Ed
"We brought a fine group of quarterbacks in to visit our campus last
week and offered them scholarships. This was an elite group. The best
of the best. The "creme de la creme," as Grandma O used to say at
goat-milking time. There were 643 of them.
"We wanted their
visit to be different so we stripped them down, gave 'em a cold shower,
doused 'em with lye and carbolic acid and stood 'em buck nekkid in the
locker room. The high school athlete today likes that.
a chance to speak to them. First, I ripped off my shirt. Then, one of
our managers brought me another shirt, so I snatched it out of his
hands, ripped it to shreds, tore of the manager's shirt, ripped it to
shreds, then bit off his right ear.
"I turned and said "BY GOD, that right there is why I love Ole Miss and you should to!
'If it was up to me, we wouldn't have any damn quarterbacks. Outscoring
teams is a sissy-ass way to win! We'd put 22 linemen out there and just
beat the other team into submission -- that's real football. But we've
got some candy-ass alumni who say 'Coach O, we want to score a
touchdown this year!' So I brought your asses in here to make them
'So you should LOVE Ole Miss! It's the school of Archie
Manning! It's the school of Eli Manning! It's the school of Peyton
Manning! It's the school of Joe Namath! It's the school of Brett
So then some pip-squeak coughs and I turn around and he
says 'Coach O, I thought Brett Favre went to Southern Miss, not Ole
I says "Are you telling me that Brett Favre, a great
quarterback and a fine BY-GOD Cajun is a low-life, no-good stinkin'
HATTIESBURGER?!? That's even worse than a Starkviller, by God!!! I
won't listen to this. We'll settle this right now. Steak knives or
blackberry switches, what'll it be?'
He didn't say a damn
syllable, so I said "Fine, blackberry switches' and I went out back to
the bushes (Editor's Note: "the bushes" are close friends of Dennis and
Kim Franchione) and cut some nice thorny ones. Then I came back and
flayed his punk ass with 'em for about 30 minutes.
lying there in a bloody heap and I said "Now, if you think that's bad,
listen to this, punk. I am hereby WITHDRAWING our Ole Miss scholarship
offer for the next 10 minutes. So you just think about that -- for the
next 10 minutes, you are the only ain't-crippled boy in the entire
great BY-GOD great state of Mississippi without a bona fide Ole Miss
scholarship offer! Feel lower than muskrat crap, don't you? Well, you
just think about that before you go calling Brett Favre, a fine Cajun
young man, a low-life Hattiesburger!"
"Now, the rest of you maggots repeat after me --
"OLE MISS WON THE EGG BOWL CONVINCINGLY LAST YEAR!"
"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!!," they answered.
"WE DID NOT ALLOW ANY PLAYERS TO LEAVE THIS STATE"
"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!"
"THE TEXAS LONGHORNS ARE OLE MISS-FEARING SISSIES"
"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!"
Then about 150 of them committed on the spot, and we took those that
did for a breakfast of black coffee and burnt toast. The high school
athlete today likes that.
Well, I don't know what's in Mrs. O's
Corner this week, but I pray it ain't more god-awful feminine hygeine
stuff like last week.
Be of good cheer.