Forum Classics

If Coach O hired Writer Mike McKenzie, Vol. 1

Posted by King Biscuit on April 12, 2006

Welcome to Coach O's site and our new feature --

Wednesdays With Ed...

"Woke up buck nekkid this morning. That felt good, so I called over to South Panola and I said "Coach, you got any god-danged players that I ain't offered yet." Sumbitch said "No, Coach O!" so I hung up and called Chief Thundercloud Junior High in Minot, North Dakota and before the girl could say "Porcupine Athletics," I said "I'm offering your whole damn team and I don't want to wait on 'em to graduate, neither, I want their little war-whoopin' tomahawk-slingin' butts here this spring and ready to whup some Starkville ass." Then I hung up. That felt good.

"Went out to the mailbox to get some eggs and somebody had stolen our delivery. There was a little old Lady who looked like Barbara Bush (Editor's Note: The Bushes are dear friends of Dennis and Kim Franchione) and I figured she'd stole 'em, so I kneed her a few times in the solar plexus and back-slapped her in the false teeth. Then Mrs. O yelled out 'Ed, honey, they don't put eggs in the mailbox here, that's back in Louisiana.' So I helped the old lady up, offered scholarships to her 12 grand-kids and went back inside.

"I was still starvin', though, so I put on some gym shorts (per the terms of my contract with Ole Miss, I had to) and a pair of flip-flops and headed downtown to Smitty's. Went through the hole in the fence around the yard. Every damn fence I build has a hole in it. Anyway, went to Smitty's, kicked the door open and yelled "any damn Starkvillers in here can just head on back to Brokeback Mountain right now." Everybody in the place said "Hotty Toddy, O!" so I sat on down, ordered a dozen scrambled and a bottle of green tabasco sauce and head-butted the guy in the next booth.

"The eggs were damn good, so I offered scholarships to every cook and bus-boy in the place. Stopped at the Eli-Mart and bought beer for the coaches' meeting and headed home.

"That's all today. Check in Friday for Mrs. O's Corner, when she talks about some frilly-ass dinner with some University people and gives my favorite recipe for gator-head."

Be of good cheer...