Forum Classics

If Coach O hired Writer Mike McKenzie, Vol. 2

Posted by King Biscuit on April 19, 2006

Wednesdays with Ed

"We brought a fine group of quarterbacks in to visit our campus last week and offered them scholarships. This was an elite group. The best of the best. The "creme de la creme," as Grandma O used to say at goat-milking time. There were 643 of them.

"We wanted their visit to be different so we stripped them down, gave 'em a cold shower, doused 'em with lye and carbolic acid and stood 'em buck nekkid in the locker room. The high school athlete today likes that.

"I had a chance to speak to them. First, I ripped off my shirt. Then, one of our managers brought me another shirt, so I snatched it out of his hands, ripped it to shreds, tore of the manager's shirt, ripped it to shreds, then bit off his right ear.

"I turned and said "BY GOD, that right there is why I love Ole Miss and you should to!

'If it was up to me, we wouldn't have any damn quarterbacks. Outscoring teams is a sissy-ass way to win! We'd put 22 linemen out there and just beat the other team into submission -- that's real football. But we've got some candy-ass alumni who say 'Coach O, we want to score a touchdown this year!' So I brought your asses in here to make them happy.

'So you should LOVE Ole Miss! It's the school of Archie Manning! It's the school of Eli Manning! It's the school of Peyton Manning! It's the school of Joe Namath! It's the school of Brett Favre!'"

So then some pip-squeak coughs and I turn around and he says 'Coach O, I thought Brett Favre went to Southern Miss, not Ole Miss.'

I says "Are you telling me that Brett Favre, a great quarterback and a fine BY-GOD Cajun is a low-life, no-good stinkin' HATTIESBURGER?!? That's even worse than a Starkviller, by God!!! I won't listen to this. We'll settle this right now. Steak knives or blackberry switches, what'll it be?'

He didn't say a damn syllable, so I said "Fine, blackberry switches' and I went out back to the bushes (Editor's Note: "the bushes" are close friends of Dennis and Kim Franchione) and cut some nice thorny ones. Then I came back and flayed his punk ass with 'em for about 30 minutes.

So he's lying there in a bloody heap and I said "Now, if you think that's bad, listen to this, punk. I am hereby WITHDRAWING our Ole Miss scholarship offer for the next 10 minutes. So you just think about that -- for the next 10 minutes, you are the only ain't-crippled boy in the entire great BY-GOD great state of Mississippi without a bona fide Ole Miss scholarship offer! Feel lower than muskrat crap, don't you? Well, you just think about that before you go calling Brett Favre, a fine Cajun young man, a low-life Hattiesburger!"

"Now, the rest of you maggots repeat after me --


"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!!," they answered.


"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!"


"Yes, sir, Coach O!!!"

Then about 150 of them committed on the spot, and we took those that did for a breakfast of black coffee and burnt toast. The high school athlete today likes that.

Well, I don't know what's in Mrs. O's Corner this week, but I pray it ain't more god-awful feminine hygeine stuff like last week.

Be of good cheer.